And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
