i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
