Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
