Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
