so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
