I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
