If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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