Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
