I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
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Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
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You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in