I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd