I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.