you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
My thoughts exactly.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Everclear isn't food dammit