dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
