I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I want to have your abortion
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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