Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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