If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Sorry my hands just texted you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
