last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
