Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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