I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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