i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize