i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
