i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
