i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
