He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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