my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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