watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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