A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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