You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
