i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Semen is not good for contacts.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
