You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
