I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
