his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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