Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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