The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
