If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
