Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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