No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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