What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Two words: blizzard sex
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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