Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
