God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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