All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
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