shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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