How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
