the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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