So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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