I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
