apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
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What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
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I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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