So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
