When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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