Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize