I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
