Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
