I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
as a side note pls kill me
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
