I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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