i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
