On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
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