If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
