i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
he high fived his dick after we had sex
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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