Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
