Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
