I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Randomize
