I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
