After last night, I could never be a politician.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
