New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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